Thursday, December 10, 2009

Cry Me a River

Alex's homecoming is coming up very soon. I don't like to mention dates on my blog, for fear of violating OPSEC, so I will just leave it at "very soon". And of course I am beyond excited. But emotions are also starting to escalate and anxiety seems to be setting in. And it doesn't help at all that work is extra stressful right now too.

Today I cried "happy tears" 3 times in an hour with almost no explanation. The smallest thing sets me off. In those cases it was a blog I was reading {completely unrelated to military life}, a touching moment in last night's Glee episode I was catching up on, and a glimpse at my husband's Facebook page. That's it. That's what set me off.

I am slightly terrified at how I am going to hold it together at my friend's homecoming ceremony that I am attending tomorrow. I'm so not a pretty crier....my face gets red and splotchy and I make a really ugly face when I'm trying to hold back sobs. Ugh.

And of course now that we're in the downhill slide, some things have to fall apart just a little bit to remind me of how much I *hate* being without my husband. Last night I woke up in a fit of anxiety three times throughout the night. I don't even know what I was dreaming about...all I know is I was scared. I have struggled with bouts of anxiety when I'm sleeping all throughout this deployment but I can't remember another time when I had THREE bouts in one night. Ugh x 2.

One of those times after I woke up in a panic and was just starting to fall back asleep my precious dog woke me back up. I noticed she wouldn't stop shaking her head over and over and she was scratching her ear. Great. An ear infection. She has NEVER HAD an ear infection but of course now is the PERFECT time for one. So she kept me awake off and on for the rest of the night with that awful feeling of knowing that she's uncomfortable but that there's nothing I can do to make it better right away. Ugh x 3.

You truly don't realize how much you need your spouse around until he's gone. I know he would have calmed me down immediately if he were home and witnessing my nighttime anxiety. I also know that he would have made me feel better about poor Libby's ears and told me not to worry. I just miss his calming presence in my life like you wouldn't believe. He's my rock....and you better believe I am ready to get my damn rock back already!!!!!

4 comments:

  1. SOON!!!! And just so you know I experienced the pre-homecoming cries too. ANYTHING made me cry..I mean anything. And honestly, all things homecoming related still make cry....I am crying right now in fact! AND, you will cry at the homecomings ALOT...just do it and get your tears out of the way so when Alex comes home you won't cry and mess up the pictures. I went to 3 ceremonies before Andrew's homecoming and I cried at them all, but then didn't cry at his. I am getting so excited for everybody!

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  2. Angie is so right about crying at the ones before your own. I was a mess at Andrews and not a tear at Jason's maybe we got the anxiety tears out and just had elation left...I cannot tell you how happy I am that this is almost over for you. It is hard for me to remember life when Jason was not here (maybe it's like labor...God helps you forget the hard parts so you can focus on the happy parts?!?) You girls are on the front of my thought list these next couple days and I wish I could cry there for you and not in this crazy move ready apartment (and by ready I mean not at all!)!

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  3. Wow, I feel much better after reading these comments!! I thought I was weird:) I cried at the MANY homecoming ceremonies before Ty' rolled around. I cried every time 4ID put up all of the flags for the homecomings. I cried when I started decorating the yard for Ty's arrival. I cried at EVERYTHING. Then, it was our turn. I got all prettied up and everything. Took extra makeup, tissues, support group, etc.... I got REALLY choked up when the busses pulled up. I am a CRIER... I cry at EVERYTHING. But for some odd reason, I was not a blubbering dork when I finally got to hold my husband. I think relief set in and all was good. Excuse me, all was WONDERFUL:) He will be here soon. And life will be complete again:)

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  4. I'm so excited for you!

    PS buy some waterproof mascara :)

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