Images from Cafepress.comThat right there pretty much sums up my attitude today. I may seem like I am just gliding right through this deployment without many issues, but the truth is...DEPLOYMENTS SUCK!
For the most part I manage to keep myself busy enough to not get too caught up in wallowing in my own misery, but then...every now and then....it hits me like a ton of bricks. And it's usually the stupidest things that set me into a tail spin.
Take today for example, I was rushing to leave for work this morning and went to feed Libby. As I'm scooping her food I notice that there are ants EVERYWHERE. In the food, outside the bag, crawling along the shelf, etc. So I cuss under my breath but I have no choice but to do something about it....because I don't have a husband around to push jobs like that off on. So I grab my trusty can of Raid and start spraying. But then I have to figure out where to put the rest of the food so that the ants don't get into it again (I sort of have a problem with spending too much on my dog's food so I was concerned with salvaging the damn food!). So anyway I think I figured it out, but it was a pain.
Then later when my wonderful husband calls me from Iraq, I'm totally mean to him. Like blaming him for the stupid ant incident (wtf?!?), picking fights, bitching, and other generally inexcusable behavior. So our conversation ends badly and the moment I hang up the phone I start regretting acting like that. It's like a demon possessed my body...but it's too late because that was my one phone call that I get from him for the day....and I effed it up. Way to go, Ash.
As I was typing him an apology email I started thinking about where this crazy behavior was coming from. How did some stupid ANTS cause me to have a bitchy breakdown?!? Then I realized:
I'M JUST OVER IT. {it=deployment} I'm over having to mow the lawn, I'm over being lonely when I come home at night, I'm over not having my best friend to talk to whenever I want, I'm over not having a date to ANYTHING, I'm over having to make decisions without my better half, I'm over sleeping with the pistol in the nightstand and being terrified of ever having to use it, I'm over having to try and remember 24 hours (or more) worth of things to tell my husband and making it fit into a 10 minute conversation. I'M JUST OVER IT.
{I totally started crying as I was typing this paragraph...apparently I'm not quite ready to move on from "wallowing in my self pity" day.}
And I took my frustration out on the ONE person who I shouldn't have.
Well, crap.
Everything that I'd been bottling up just decided to come pouring out. All that strength, resolve, and positivity just got blasted away.....because of ANTS. haha It is really quite humorous when you put it that way.
All this to say, I may put up a good front as though I'm dealing so well with this deployment, but in reality I have my "freak out" and "self pity" moments. And I decided it's kind of okay. I'm living without my husband for a WHOLE YEAR of our lives....I think I deserve to have a few moments of pure insanity. No, I'm not proud of how I acted. But I realized what I did, made it right, and IT'S OKAY. Because you know what? Sometimes deployments just really suck.
For the most part I manage to keep myself busy enough to not get too caught up in wallowing in my own misery, but then...every now and then....it hits me like a ton of bricks. And it's usually the stupidest things that set me into a tail spin.
Take today for example, I was rushing to leave for work this morning and went to feed Libby. As I'm scooping her food I notice that there are ants EVERYWHERE. In the food, outside the bag, crawling along the shelf, etc. So I cuss under my breath but I have no choice but to do something about it....because I don't have a husband around to push jobs like that off on. So I grab my trusty can of Raid and start spraying. But then I have to figure out where to put the rest of the food so that the ants don't get into it again (I sort of have a problem with spending too much on my dog's food so I was concerned with salvaging the damn food!). So anyway I think I figured it out, but it was a pain.
Then later when my wonderful husband calls me from Iraq, I'm totally mean to him. Like blaming him for the stupid ant incident (wtf?!?), picking fights, bitching, and other generally inexcusable behavior. So our conversation ends badly and the moment I hang up the phone I start regretting acting like that. It's like a demon possessed my body...but it's too late because that was my one phone call that I get from him for the day....and I effed it up. Way to go, Ash.
As I was typing him an apology email I started thinking about where this crazy behavior was coming from. How did some stupid ANTS cause me to have a bitchy breakdown?!? Then I realized:
I'M JUST OVER IT. {it=deployment} I'm over having to mow the lawn, I'm over being lonely when I come home at night, I'm over not having my best friend to talk to whenever I want, I'm over not having a date to ANYTHING, I'm over having to make decisions without my better half, I'm over sleeping with the pistol in the nightstand and being terrified of ever having to use it, I'm over having to try and remember 24 hours (or more) worth of things to tell my husband and making it fit into a 10 minute conversation. I'M JUST OVER IT.
{I totally started crying as I was typing this paragraph...apparently I'm not quite ready to move on from "wallowing in my self pity" day.}
And I took my frustration out on the ONE person who I shouldn't have.
Well, crap.
Everything that I'd been bottling up just decided to come pouring out. All that strength, resolve, and positivity just got blasted away.....because of ANTS. haha It is really quite humorous when you put it that way.
All this to say, I may put up a good front as though I'm dealing so well with this deployment, but in reality I have my "freak out" and "self pity" moments. And I decided it's kind of okay. I'm living without my husband for a WHOLE YEAR of our lives....I think I deserve to have a few moments of pure insanity. No, I'm not proud of how I acted. But I realized what I did, made it right, and IT'S OKAY. Because you know what? Sometimes deployments just really suck.
I'm so sorry you had a day like today. Yes it's somewhat ridiculous, but it's completely NORMAL. You're allowed to wallow every once in a while. Y'all have come so far and you're so close to the end now! Just stay strong!
ReplyDeletePS I think what you really need is to see Monty doing tequila shots again. Just saying, I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. Haha, the cat is away next week so maybe we can get the mouse to play :P
ReplyDeleteAshley, I know we don't know each other that well, and we are really just old aquaintances. But I want to just say that I read your blog often, and this entry really spoke to me, and made me realize that even though we aren't "close", in a sense I feel close to you because of what we share, or lack there-of (husbands) haha. The lenghts of our husbands deployments differ, but I still believe that the experiences of them and the emotions, trials, and tribulations are very similar. I feel for you, because I have been in your shoes, and I wouldn't wish a deployment on my worst enemy. Good luck in getting through the rest of it. Just think of the "second honeymoon" to come. :) I'm done rambling now.
ReplyDeleteOne time I totally griped out my husband for an entire weeks worth of phone calls b/c I couldn't start the damn mower! Literally, everyday for an entire week I griped at him for not showing me how to start it before he left. THEN, I decided that the mower wasn't worth ruining the phone conversations with my husband so I gave up on trying to start the mower and just paid somebody to come and mow it! $30 every month well spent...
ReplyDelete